Category: Depression and Anxiety

How Has Five Years Gone By So Fast

How Has Five Years Gone By So Fast

It amazes me still how life moves on at such a rapid pace yet stands still all at the same time. Today marks the 5-year anniversary of the day you left us for heaven first and one world of mine ended and a strange and painful one began.

Today, I sit thinking of where you would be today, what you would be doing, how you would be spoiling your nephew rotten. We welcomed D into this world in July on your dad’s birthday. So you know how crazy excited dad was to have his first born grandbaby born on his birthday.

You would be so insanely mad at the world around us now. With all the COVID, rioting, disrespecting the flag you and your guys fought so hard to protect. I know how fiercely you would protect the flag even here on home ground.

This year has been crazy to say the least and with that comes the five year anniversary. Through the last five years, I have learned what I miss. I miss the old me, I miss the me who was comfortable in her life. I miss feeling at peace with where my family was and the things that we were accomplishing. I miss the life that will never be because you are gone.

The biggest things that I miss now, not being able to be as carefree as I once was. I used to be able to not drive down the road near home and have a full on anxiety attack when I see a wreck on the highway wondering if it is your brother or sister. I miss being excited for this time of year and the beginning of holiday seasons. I miss having a spark in my eyes when something exciting happens. Yes, I am excited and I enjoy, but it doesn’t fully reach my spirit anymore. I don’t experience joy the way others who have no clue what it feels like to lose their child does.

These days find me searching for the old me, the one I will never get back. The one who didn’t know the everyday pain of a child lost. I look for the pieces of my broken heart that I probably will never find because they are the pieces that you make up. Although everyday I still wake to that split second where you are still here, the pain of losing you happens all over again. Maybe a little less than in the beginning but it is still a painful reminder every day that you are gone from us.

Although I will never be the person I was before, I am trying to be the best version of the “me” I have become. I keep most of my pain hidden from others. It is not theirs to bare therefore, I don’t burden them with it. I try my best to be strong again, like I used to be, for those around me. I try to stay busy so that my mind doesn’t wander to days of the past. Sometimes I get to the end of a day and maybe I only thought about you a few times but others I feel like I am swallowed up by memories of you and those days are the hardest. Those are the days that I feel like I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but I keep getting up and moving. On those days the poem I have included here is not far from my thoughts. Although God and I still have our issues, I know He is here with me even if I am trying to push him away.

So you ask how I am doing 5 years into this nightmare? I am breathing. I am alive physically. Mentally and emotionally, there are days I struggle. The holiday season is still the hardest for me every time it comes around. Now that we have a sweet baby to spoil, it will be bittersweet holiday’s where I enjoy watching D be excited but also ache for not being able to see you here to experience D’s excitement for what the season brings.

While I see everyone around me moving on, I do sometimes feel jealous of the fact that I am where I am and haven’t made much progress in that area. I will never move on I am afraid. I will just learn to live where I am at and will always have some tinge of sadness when the best things in life come around. Unfortunately, that is where I will be.

I sure do miss you Big Bubby and all your spirit and sass. I miss your joking personality, your slobbery kisses, and most of all that genuine goofy smile of yours along with that beautiful belly laugh you had. Watch over our family and keep heaven on its toes. Until I see you again, I love you.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
Author – disputed at this time from what I can find (Burrell Webb, Mary Stevenson, Margaret Fishback Powers, and Carolyn Joyce Carty)

Love you always and forever sweet boy!

4 Years, 1,460 days, 35,040 hours, Too Many Minutes and Seconds to Count

So here we are another anniversary, another year gone by, another set of days without your smile, your laugh, your presence here for me to take in. This year has been a year of reclaiming myself. Finding a small amount of peace within my grief. Learning that I can feel happiness again and not feel guilty to have that in my life.

Continue reading “4 Years, 1,460 days, 35,040 hours, Too Many Minutes and Seconds to Count” →

Things Learned After Loss….

Today marks a very dark day in the history of our country. 18 years ago a terrorist group thought they could take us down with the acts of September 11th. I saw a post this morning on Facebook that stated, “I miss September 12, 2001”. Meaning the coming together of our country to unify as one showing terrorism they couldn’t break us. But we have broke our country, we need September 12th back. It is just another loss that is felt for so many of us who have lost so much.

Eighteen years ago I didn’t know the true grief of losing a child, I wasn’t “one of those parents” yet. Since 2015 I have come to know all too well the grief associated with losing my child to a traumatic loss. Although not the magnitude of September 11th, it is still a loss greater than I could have ever imagined it would be.

I have noted that since the loss of Big Bubby I have learned many things. Good and bad, these have been life lessons that I would not have learned without the loss of my child.

  • I have learned that people will pull away from you so they are not uncomfortable around you
  • I have learned that there are soooo very many different types of loss and that even though I have lost a child, doesn’t mean that the next mom who loses a child will have the same type of feelings
  • I have learned to show grace and forgiveness before holding tight to grudges – they are not worth losing a relationship that you treasure
  • I have learned that you must be “that person” who is there for others to talk to in their time of need
  • I have learned to lean heavily on those who know what I lost when Big Bubby went ahead of me
    I have learned that you find your true family and friends and the support system you will forever need

Update on New Treatment

So I went to the referral that my doctor suggested for a different type of treatment called transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). I would be interested to know if anyone who has lost a child, been diagnosed with clinical depression, or other have tried this therapy. I do have to admit, I am a bit nervous about them messing with my brain activity.

They say that there are no side effects, but we all know what that means, just none noted that were too bad not to use the treatment. So just curious if anyone had tried it before.

Of course trying to get insurance to help with coverage is probably going to end up causing me to have to change antidepressants two more times before they will cover it. Ridiculous if you ask me. If a doctor is stating I should have the treatment because of my condition, the insurance should pay. I even work in healthcare and sometimes I have to step back and shake my head at what people have to do to get coverage for a service. Typical insurance run around.

So now, I am going to have to see the office where the TMS therapy is treated, a new doctor once again. Explain my story one more time. And hope that we can get this treatment covered. I am hopeful from the studies that have been done that it will eventually help me too. Although, because of the depression level and reason for it for me, it will not be as easy as some. I will have to have more than one session of treatments. I am OK with that if it works.

So speak up anyone who may have tried this! Give me your experiences either through messages here, facebook, etc.

Two Steps Forward One Step Back

So I am still seeing a doctor for my medications that I am on and talking to her. I went last month right before Baby Sis’s wedding. The doctor suggested that I start going back to a therapist to talk about my loss. I haven’t talked to a therapist since I moved back to Dallas a year ago. I have done pretty good I think, but there are times where I know that I am not in a good place and talking to a therapist might help.

June is PTSD Awareness Month

June is PTSD Awareness Month

I have always associated PTSD with soldiers coming home from war zones and trying to acclimate themselves back into the life they left behind and first responders. There has been several movies that touch on PTSD not really talked about it but if you know the signs you can figure it out.

After losing Big Bubby to such a tragic accident the way we did, I have had several doctors who all state that I have some form of PTSD. When they tell me that, I feel like I am dishonoring the military and first responders who see sooo much more horrible things than what I have been through. Yes, my loss was tragic and I wish every day that it hadn’t happened to me and my family but military and first responders see it every day.

Night terrors, night mares, whatever you want to say they are can rock someones world since there is no going back to a peaceful sleep. Being scared to go anywhere afraid something will trigger a memory that is too hard to relive. Or meeting someone on the street that stops you and wants to talk your ear off when all you want is your cup of coffee and your couch.

This was never a worry of mine, put to the back of my mind especially when Big Bubby came home from Afghanistan and I didn’t know what was transpiring in his home with his wife. He did have some trauma from going over to fight for terrorism. He never told me or his dad about the mental struggle he had. He wouldn’t seek treatment because he said there were others worse off than him and that he could deal with it. A chip off the old mom block right there my friends.

Now, three years in, I know that to some extent, there is a PTSD side to my loss. Not being able to see Big Bubby after the accident before the burial, the nature of the accident itself, and just simply losing a child out of order has shown that PTSD is not just for the military or the first repsonders.

Don’t let this blog go without saying, if you are struggling with PTSD today, please reach out to someone for help. We are many and we are here to be a voice of reason when the memories are too much. No life should be lost to this tragic disease.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

How Triggers Impact My Life Now

So I have been in this crazy, horrible club now for three and a half years. I have seen myself go from totally numb from drugs and drinking to feeling every small pain staking step through my grief.

For those who follow me, this is a post about grief, learning to hide it from those you love, and how it impacts every aspect of your life. You may want to pass if you are my family or friends as it is not something for everyone.

The Reality of Life And Anniversaries

As most who have followed along on this journey of mine know, my family and I lost Big Bubby to a horrific car accident on 11/10/15 at 5:12AM on a Tuesday morning in Dallas Texas. He was on his way to work just like we all are on a daily basis. Thinking nothing but the usual would happen that day only to open his eyes in the presence of God. Continue reading “The Reality of Life And Anniversaries” →