So to begin:
Its like God stepped in and said enough is enough. Momma you are going to make it whether you want to or not. We all have days that are just too much and we don’t want to go on. Boy, did I have a week like that recently. Things that have nothing to do with Big Bubby but because of my situation, cause greater stress and anxiety than ever before.
The world around me was just too much for me to take in. It seems that every time I think that I might be able to stay afloat on the raft I have, it deflates and under I go. Oh how I have felt that way recently. I am not sure why, maybe with all the things of “life” coming up all at one time?
I have posted before that all my life I have been strong. I try really hard to handle my emotions within my own little space of the world without bothering others. It has been really tough the past several weeks and I am not sure I understand this path of grief I am on. It is almost as if I stepped back to day one of losing Big Bubby. I don’t want to get out of bed, I sleep constantly when I can, there is no focus anytime, it is exhausting trying to keep all of this from my two living children as they have started their lives with the loves of their lives. No one will go forward in life mourning Big Bubby the way I will and I know that and understand that.
I just wish others understood that too. That they knew no matter what, I am doing the best I can to conceal my broken heart. I want to celebrate the wonderful new beginnings with everyone, I want to be there to hear about the new starts to careers or the hardships of trying to study to pass tests. I feel as though sometimes I am left out because there is a thought that if I am told, I will make it about Big Bubby or that I won’t be able to handle it.
I try desperately now not to even bring up his name in conversations. If I do, it is quick and on to the next thing. Big Bubby will be more a presence in my future than anyone else. Others, in time, have put him away as best they can, to move on with their future and I get that. I don’t harbor any pain or resentment for that. We all grieve differently.
Tomorrow night, my husband and I will give the third annual scholarship award to a deserving young individual who is furthering their learning at a college or technical school. We will tell our story, shortened drastically, and will celebrate that we are able to once again help out a fellow student at Big Bubby’s school. How I wish this wasn’t the case and we weren’t going to give a memorial scholarship, that I had Big Bubby here, that we were the family we were 4 years ago. That is not to be. Some days I am OK with that others not so much. When does the OK days become more that the not OK days?