4 Years, 1,460 days, 35,040 hours, Too Many Minutes and Seconds to Count

So here we are another anniversary, another year gone by, another set of days without your smile, your laugh, your presence here for me to take in. This year has been a year of reclaiming myself. Finding a small amount of peace within my grief. Learning that I can feel happiness again and not feel guilty to have that in my life.

For those parents who are on this journey with me, we all know that grief is a very complicated place to be. For me, it is especially complicated by having other children who have grown over the last four years. Married, graduated from college, starting their careers, all without Big Bubby present to see their accomplishments. For my situation, I have seen that I grieve not only for my loss but for what future I am missing out on. The future of Big Bubby. The future watching him and his siblings move through life events together as a family. Oh I will watch Million Dollar Brother and Baby Sis do amazing things, but it will all be without their brother there to watch as well. These are the bitter sweet moments of my life now.

As for our family, we are in a better place than we were even a year ago. Each year seems to move us to a better place (if there is such a thing now). Cowgirl has found someone who can love her unconditionally and we are grateful for him. She deserves to be happy again. She deserves the best life possible. We are excited for her and her new future. The marriages of our two kids this past year and a half was wonderful to see. We know there were some hard moments each time but we made it through and the days were beautiful. I couldn’t ask for a better match for each of them as what they found.

We, as a family, have found a routine now that we are all in the same area again. We try to have dinner together once a week when we are all in town. This keeps us up to date on what is going on in everyone’s life. As I have said before, we never get off the phone without telling each other “I love you” because unfortunately we know the all too real aspect of life that it isn’t a given tomorrow will come.

For myself, I have started a new treatment. After struggling with my depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a host of issues, my doctor was able to get my insurance to cover TMS therapy. This is a therapy that is approximately 36 treatments, 5 days a week, for about 30 minutes a day. It is called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation or a “form of brain stimulation in which a changing magnetic field is used to cause electric current at a specific area of the brain through electromagnetic induction”. This is supposed to stimulate the brains nerve cells that have gone dormant due to depression. I am about half way through the therapy treatment. Those around me have noticed some difference in my mood which I am happy to report. This treatment is just one in many I have tried over the last four years. This one I am hoping to be able to leave the prescription medication behind and live as normal a life as possible with the loss I have suffered.

Although my anxiety and depression seem to be under better control now, I still rely on Krissie for support sometimes. She has been there for me almost since the day we lost Big Bubby. But again, I think I am more support than she is to me. Poor thing is scared of her own shadow.

I plan to take today slowly and one breath at a time but feel that I am more in control than I have been since we lost Big Bubby. He would be proud of where I have come from and where I am headed, I think. But oh how I miss him so!

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