So I have been in this crazy, horrible club now for three and a half years. I have seen myself go from totally numb from drugs and drinking to feeling every small pain staking step through my grief.
For those who follow me, this is a post about grief, learning to hide it from those you love, and how it impacts every aspect of your life. You may want to pass if you are my family or friends as it is not something for everyone.
It seems sometimes that those who are around bereaved parents forget is that we didn’t ask to be put here. For some reason, God decided it was time to take our borrowed child back.
Just because our outward appearance seems as if we are put together, our insides would tell a different story if they could talk. Most parents who have buried a child try not to continue to make others uncomfortable by talking about the child lost. Sometimes, we do talk and it puts others in an uncomfortable place. We don’t do this for you to feel sorry for us, say something to us, or get your sympathy. We do this to keep the memory of our child alive. To here their name spoken one more time, to talk about them and the life they had, and to help you understand what a great loss it was to us.
As most who have followed along on this journey of mine know, my family and I lost Big Bubby to a horrific car accident on 11/10/15 at 5:12AM on a Tuesday morning in Dallas Texas. He was on his way to work just like we all are on a daily basis. Thinking nothing but the usual would happen that day only to open his eyes in the presence of God. Continue reading “The Reality of Life And Anniversaries”
I haven’t written here in months. As many of you who have followed my blog for a while now, know that my family and I hardly slow down for much. We are constantly in a state of change always. Continue reading “Birthdays, Graduations, Moving, Weddings, and More….”
I was going to write about the shooting in Florida and how much it disgusts me to see this happen again. Then I heard that North Texas found out about three separate shooters planning school attacks. I decided to write about how this now effects me when I hear of these horrible acts. Continue reading “SENSITIVITY…….LOSS……FULL CIRCLE”
One phone call, three words, and my world changed forever two years/24 months/720 days/17,280 hours/1,036,800 minutes ago. That brings us to today marking my second year without Big Bubby. I will forever remember the call that in a split moment, changed my world forever. Although at the time we didn’t know exactly what had happened, but became all too aware within hours that our precious Big Bubby was gone from our lives forever.
My first year was such a blur with all that I was doing to numb the insurmountable pain that I was trying so desperately to run from, this year has been worse. It was so much easier to stay numb to all of this pain and not care what others thought. To stay numb to the immense pain the loss of a child holds. Waking every morning, only to come to realize it will be another day in hell, another day of feeling the emptiness of Big Bubby being gone, knowing you won’t hear your baby’s voice ever again. Also, waking and knowing, there are people who need you still here on earth and who want to help guide you as easily as possible through this personal hell a mother goes through when you lose a child.
While they are not first’s by date, they are firsts for me in a way. Continue reading “Second Year Down and Counting….”
A few weeks ago, my husband and I were out to eat at a restaurant that typically isn’t known for a loud atmosphere. On this night though, to me, it seemed VERY loud. While I know that I am much more sensitive to all my senses now, I felt that it was above that on this particular visit. Continue reading “The Sound of Silence”