It amazes me still how life moves on at such a rapid pace yet stands still all at the same time. Today marks the 5-year anniversary of the day you left us for heaven first and one world of mine ended and a strange and painful one began.
Today, I sit thinking of where you would be today, what you would be doing, how you would be spoiling your nephew rotten. We welcomed D into this world in July on your dad’s birthday. So you know how crazy excited dad was to have his first born grandbaby born on his birthday.
You would be so insanely mad at the world around us now. With all the COVID, rioting, disrespecting the flag you and your guys fought so hard to protect. I know how fiercely you would protect the flag even here on home ground.
This year has been crazy to say the least and with that comes the five year anniversary. Through the last five years, I have learned what I miss. I miss the old me, I miss the me who was comfortable in her life. I miss feeling at peace with where my family was and the things that we were accomplishing. I miss the life that will never be because you are gone.
The biggest things that I miss now, not being able to be as carefree as I once was. I used to be able to not drive down the road near home and have a full on anxiety attack when I see a wreck on the highway wondering if it is your brother or sister. I miss being excited for this time of year and the beginning of holiday seasons. I miss having a spark in my eyes when something exciting happens. Yes, I am excited and I enjoy, but it doesn’t fully reach my spirit anymore. I don’t experience joy the way others who have no clue what it feels like to lose their child does.
These days find me searching for the old me, the one I will never get back. The one who didn’t know the everyday pain of a child lost. I look for the pieces of my broken heart that I probably will never find because they are the pieces that you make up. Although everyday I still wake to that split second where you are still here, the pain of losing you happens all over again. Maybe a little less than in the beginning but it is still a painful reminder every day that you are gone from us.
Although I will never be the person I was before, I am trying to be the best version of the “me” I have become. I keep most of my pain hidden from others. It is not theirs to bare therefore, I don’t burden them with it. I try my best to be strong again, like I used to be, for those around me. I try to stay busy so that my mind doesn’t wander to days of the past. Sometimes I get to the end of a day and maybe I only thought about you a few times but others I feel like I am swallowed up by memories of you and those days are the hardest. Those are the days that I feel like I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but I keep getting up and moving. On those days the poem I have included here is not far from my thoughts. Although God and I still have our issues, I know He is here with me even if I am trying to push him away.
So you ask how I am doing 5 years into this nightmare? I am breathing. I am alive physically. Mentally and emotionally, there are days I struggle. The holiday season is still the hardest for me every time it comes around. Now that we have a sweet baby to spoil, it will be bittersweet holiday’s where I enjoy watching D be excited but also ache for not being able to see you here to experience D’s excitement for what the season brings.
While I see everyone around me moving on, I do sometimes feel jealous of the fact that I am where I am and haven’t made much progress in that area. I will never move on I am afraid. I will just learn to live where I am at and will always have some tinge of sadness when the best things in life come around. Unfortunately, that is where I will be.
I sure do miss you Big Bubby and all your spirit and sass. I miss your joking personality, your slobbery kisses, and most of all that genuine goofy smile of yours along with that beautiful belly laugh you had. Watch over our family and keep heaven on its toes. Until I see you again, I love you.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
Author – disputed at this time from what I can find (Burrell Webb, Mary Stevenson, Margaret Fishback Powers, and Carolyn Joyce Carty)
Love you always and forever sweet boy!