I am aware that I am still holding part of my grief in and not allowing myself to fully grieve the loss of Big Bubby. I come to my followers here with a smile on my face but in truth, I still have a lot of grief to work through. My new therapist, after one visit, seems to be very in tune with grief, maybe not child loss, but grief in general. He was quick to answer my thoughts and reassure me that what I am seeing and feeling is accurate.
This road I am on, seems to have sharp curves and large mountains that come from nowhere to catch me off guard. I have to remember that this will be a lifetime for me. I will have ups and downs that come unexpectedly, I will have times that I find myself enjoying and laughing with family or friends and suddenly feel bad for enjoying myself, but I will also have quiet times when Big Bubby will be in my focus and I will talk with him about my day.
As a mother, it is hard to explain to anyone who has not lost a child, the total devastation that you go through. You carry a child for nine months and feel a baby grow inside you. There is no closer connection than that. No one can prepare you for the unimaginable when a loss happens to you. I have said before in my blog that I was the parent who said I would not be able to survive the loss of a child, yet here I am, surviving. But I want to do more than just survive. I want to live again. I want to smile, laugh, enjoy with my family again and not feel a deep feeling of shame for enjoying when Big Bubby is not here.
I want desperately to be the person I was before the accident. That person is no longer inside me and I know that, but I don’t want to be the person I am now. The medication list I have is crazy just to keep my somewhat sanity in check. I wonder, do others in my shoes also feel this way or have this list of medications that they take. How do they feel about being heavily medicated and not really “feel” anything?
I have been given a new option to try for non medicated treatment. I am meeting with a health advocate to see if this is a right fit for me. It is intense as it is a five day a week program for at least 5 weeks. They say that you will see improvement after week four. I wonder what “improvement” means to a mother who has lost a child? Does that mean I can no longer feel ashamed for enjoying my life? Does that mean Big Bubby will no longer be in the front of my thoughts and actions? Today is the day I have my meeting set up for. We will see where this goes.