As most who have followed along on this journey of mine know, my family and I lost Big Bubby to a horrific car accident on 11/10/15 at 5:12AM on a Tuesday morning in Dallas Texas. He was on his way to work just like we all are on a daily basis. Thinking nothing but the usual would happen that day only to open his eyes in the presence of God.
Our entire family’s life was flipped upside down and backwards in a matter of minutes that day. The calls that no parent wants to make, were being made as my husband and I headed for an emergency flight from New Orleans to Dallas. My husband called Big Bubby’s brother in arms that was the ring leader of the group of guys Big Bubby served with. His only words were, I will take care of the guys, you two get home. I will see you in a few days. We went through the week, laughing, crying, screaming, asking why and finally laying my baby boy to rest in peace. The brothers in arms went back to their lives as did everyone else, including my husband and I.
Fast forward three years. It has been a rocky three years for me. My days of grief being the overpowering feeling are becoming fewer and farther between the good days. I have found that I must go through the grief rather than try to numb it or go around it. I have leaned heavily on friends and family, pushed away the negative, drama filled, people who try to turn my loss into something about them. I am learning to live my days according to Big Bubby’s way – for today. I take my wins for the day to bed each evening and wake each morning to start a new day. My medication has been regulated and the drinking has subsided significantly. Still, there, in the stillness of the evening, when I am home alone, I find that I fall to thinking of Big Bubby and what he would be doing in that moment in time. What he would want me to be doing now.
This past week has been hard and today is a tough one as it is the day we laid my baby boy to rest three years ago. Each day you relive over and over in your mind on the anniversaries and it truly sucks. You try to change it with all your might, but deep down you know you can’t run from it, you can’t not remember it, you have to painfully replay all of the events again and again.
These are the days that the waves of grief wash over you uncontrollably and you feel as though you will drown in them. Then, as if a stiff wind has come through and blew it all away, a new day dawns and you are back into the reality of today. Your are past the memories that flooded your mind and soul yesterday to a sunny fall day where life is living and your family is driving forward. That is what Big Bubby would be most proud of I think. Where we all were and where we are now.
Big Bubby wasn’t one to dwell on the bad but he looked for the good in anything. I just finished reading a book “The Light in 9/11” by Lisa Luckett (I highly recommend this book to anyone. It’s a quick read and it’s real). She lost her husband that morning who worked for Cantor Fitzgerald. What I loved about her book is that she, as I have said I am doing, laid it all out there for you. She held nothing back. She even stated that the night before, her and her husband had an argument. That is the beauty in all of this. God does have a purpose, a plan, for everyone. No family is perfect, no family will go through life without loss. Every family will fight, argue, struggle, and in the end laugh, cry, and make beautiful memories to last a lifetime.
As Lisa stated in her book, “find the positive light in this dark situation”. Everyone will go through trials, losses, shattered dreams, but you must look for the light in the darkness. You must find a purpose for why this situation has been placed in your path.
As grieving parent’s, it’s hard to see that light for a long time. I see a shimmer now and again as I watch my two beautiful children here on this world grow into young, responsible, adults. As a family who, in a split second, on 11/10/2015 had their lives irrevocably turned upside down without the power to stop it, I think we are doing pretty well right now.