So I have been in this crazy, horrible club now for three and a half years. I have seen myself go from totally numb from drugs and drinking to feeling every small pain staking step through my grief.
For those who follow me, this is a post about grief, learning to hide it from those you love, and how it impacts every aspect of your life. You may want to pass if you are my family or friends as it is not something for everyone.
Wow today you would be 28 years old. I just can’t believe this is our fourth birthday without you here. The things you must know, have learned by now with Jesus at your side. The people you have met. You now have two cousins with you, please watch out over those babies.
It seems sometimes that those who are around bereaved parents forget is that we didn’t ask to be put here. For some reason, God decided it was time to take our borrowed child back.
Just because our outward appearance seems as if we are put together, our insides would tell a different story if they could talk. Most parents who have buried a child try not to continue to make others uncomfortable by talking about the child lost. Sometimes, we do talk and it puts others in an uncomfortable place. We don’t do this for you to feel sorry for us, say something to us, or get your sympathy. We do this to keep the memory of our child alive. To here their name spoken one more time, to talk about them and the life they had, and to help you understand what a great loss it was to us.
We all make New Year’s resolutions, most are to lose weight, stop smoking, find a better job, all of which are abandoned even before we close the door on January 31st.
This year, I am not going to set myself up to fail at New Years resolutions that will end up never being met. Instead, I am going to make a list of things that I am most grateful for and that I pray for peace and prosperity in the new year:
My children are healthy and in stable, long-term, one married, one engaged relationships 🙂
My husband is healthy and has a wonderful job that is very supportive of family and home life
I am back around family and friends who are my support structure through the rough times and celebration team through the great times
I am healthy, love my job, and have three fun loving fur babies to keep me on my toes at home
God and I are better than we have been
Grateful for finishing my book and I am pushing to publish it this year
Grateful to work on finding peace for the losses I carry daily
Waking up to a new day ready to face what is given to me by God
Grateful that I am learning to walk by faith slowly knowing this is Gods plan and not mine
Being grateful for and taking time to love the life I have
So while others are out making resolutions that will fade quickly, I will say hold your loved ones close, tell them every day that you love them, and make sure you find one thing to be grateful for each day. End your day in prayer of thankfulness to the one who holds you when you can no longer hold yourself.
May everyone stay safe tonight, take Uber/Lyft rides if necessary, and enjoy your New Year. 2019 is going to be a better year than 2018!
Since Big Bubby passed on 11/10/15, this has been and will be our 4th year of holidays without him. Thanksgiving rapidly came and went without a lot of fan fair. This I take as a win. Wins used to be big things, like a new job with significant income increases, getting the kids to bed on time, etc. Now my wins are hourly, daily, some even monthly. Once you have buried your child, life becomes a game of wins and losses that you keep track of. Wins are those where you stayed together, were able to interact with others for long periods of time, were able to stay out later than your new normal. Losses are those times when you can’t get out of bed and you just cover up for the day and tell yourself to try again tomorrow.
Christmas for us is going to be stretched until Mid January due to kids going all directions to spend time with their other families they have now. We are OK with that. The husband and I will have a quiet Christmas at the house with our beloved pups and watch football (maybe not me but my husband will). We plan to take a trip soon to our weekend home in the panhandle so just need to set a date and hold strong to it. We decided that maybe next year we would decorate for the holiday’s that this year it was still just not a feeling that we wanted to have. So no tree set up, no garland on the mantle, no lights on the house, just a quiet room, a husband and wife with their three fur-babies enjoying the quiet day together. Just saying thank you that the Cowboy’s don’t play on Christmas. 🙂
I wanted to also give an update on my book. I have finished the book now. The entire book is written but needs to be typed up and reviewed. I haven’t been this close to having it done in three years. I am nervous no one will want to read it but I also believe that Big Bubby is pushing me now to finish it up and get it out there for the journey parents behind me are on. The lost feelings, the hopelessness, I am hoping that I can help them and show them my way of coping. Both the good and the bad. I am ensuring the prescription drugs and the alcohol are all included in the book so that those who are in that spot know there is a way to come out of it and are not embarrassed by the use of them but understand the need to stop the use before it goes too far. I am giving my personal information so that if someone ever needs to talk, I am there. Big Bubby would want that for sure. With the book, I am looking to use it as a launching ground for speaking about Big Bubby and our loss at engagements where I might be invited. I want to be the voice for Big Bubby and families that struggle daily with the loss of a loved one. I am also looking into being a Life Coach. Helping others has always been something that I felt drawn to do and think that I could do some good in helping others see the path they have been given.
We are all getting on OK as these years pass. The kids are strong as ever with newlyweds and soon to be weddings happening. Cowgirl seems very happy in her new world and I am grateful for that. No matter how difficult my life will be for the future, I wanted Cowgirl to find her way to love again and I think she has found an awesome family and an awesome guy to make that a reality.
Again, this house of ours is a crazy house we live in. We try to keep our feet firmly planted on the ground, know that God has us even when we don’t want him to, that he is showing us our paths, and that in end family is all you have whether that is by blood or by friendship because I have a lot of both.
As most who have followed along on this journey of mine know, my family and I lost Big Bubby to a horrific car accident on 11/10/15 at 5:12AM on a Tuesday morning in Dallas Texas. He was on his way to work just like we all are on a daily basis. Thinking nothing but the usual would happen that day only to open his eyes in the presence of God. Continue reading “The Reality of Life And Anniversaries”→