And The Hits Just Keep Coming! Headstones, Babies, Prom, and Mothers Day!

Just when you think that God is giving you a break from memories, pain, loss, etc. Another huge milestone (hit) comes. We learned on 4/19/2016 that our son’s headstone was in. It has been too wet in Dallas to set the stone. Not only that but the same day, we learned that Big Bubby’s best friend, Best Man, and his wife are having a baby. We are so totally excited for Best Man and his wife, but it is bittersweet since Big Bubby won’t be here to enjoy and participate in it. Maybe a good thing because Best Man would be going behind Big Bubby telling the kid not to do what Big Bubby was telling him/her in Big Bubby fashion.

Mothers Day was this past weekend as well. We were in Dallas for Baby Sis’s Senior prom and for Million Dollar Brother’s appearance with the Masked Rider. I wasn’t wanting to do much for Mother’s Day but because both kids were going to be in town, my husband and I decided to make the trip to see them. It was tough to see two of my three children knowing that one would never call to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day again.

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Who Cares About Someone You Don’t Know Who Has Died

Today, this week, this month, has been really tough on me for some reason. No historically special occasion regarding Big Bubby that I am missing without him being here. It’s just those moments in time that take you to your knees when your not expecting it.

This post is going to be a rant so fair warning: I am typically not a person who pays much attention to celebrities who pass other than that they have died. I am not one to make a huge fuss out of someone I don’t know nor did they know me. But within the last few days it has been one celeb after another that has been plastered all over the news. Face Book has been nothing but post after post of “what is your memory of….”. Come to find out most are due to drug overdoses or violence related.

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Life Does Goes On Without Me

Five long months after loosing Big Bubby, we received the news that Million Dollar Brother is now the mascot at the college he attends. This is a bitter sweet day for me because Big Bubby had always wanted to see his little brother get this honor. Only number 55. There are thousands of students on campus and there have only been 55 in the years since the program was started so it is very prestigious to be named it.

It was a proud day for us as a family to watch Million Dollar Brother in the changing of the reins on the campus. Then watch him mount the horse and take lots of photos.

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Celebrating Big Bubby’s First Angel Birthday

When Big Bubby passed so close to the holidays day’s, we were all still in such a state of shock. None of us really knew what to do or how to go on. As previously mentioned, we spent Thanksgiving with Casper and her family. For Christmas and New Years, we didn’t go back to Dallas. I just couldn’t take seeing Big Bubby’s grave again. Christmas, Million Dollar Brother, Baby Sis, Casper, and Red Headed Step Child drove down to New Orleans and stayed with us. My husband and I spent Christmas alone for the most part, a coworker did invite us to dinner so we did get out for that. By the time we were finished with dinner, the kids were close to being here.

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We Will Never Celebrate A Holiday Again

The timing of Big Bubby’s accident presented the family with the worst kind of decisions so soon after the unexpected death of a child. We had to choose what to do about the holiday’s coming up. I knew that there was no way that we could, ourselves, fix meals and spend time with family/friends.

Casper’s parents along with so many other families in our community in Dallas asked to have our family for Thanksgiving dinner so that we didn’t have to eat out somewhere and could have a good home cooked meal. We chose to spend it with Casper’s family. They were letting Baby Sis stay with them for the last few weeks of the school semester until she graduated. Since losing her brother, she had stayed with Casper for the support she needed.

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Will The Thank You Notes Ever End?

I mean this in the most sincere of ways. Until a parent loses a child, you don’t realize the emotional and physical toll it takes on you. Just physically getting out of bed every day is a challenge in and of itself. Making yourself get up and go to work just so you have income coming in to be able to pay your bills that you no longer care if they get paid or not.

I mean no disrespect to my husband but at the time of our son’s death I was the sole income to our family because he had just moved to New Orleans and was waiting to hear from his union on work. Blessing or curse, you can look at it from both sides, at least I was forced to get up every morning and go to work. My husband had to set at our apartment and stare at the boots, hard hat, belt and gloves my son was wearing when he was killed. Day after day, he would see this tribute we have set in our living room because I won’t let him take it down (which I don’t think he wants to anyway). So at least I could look at my work as a blessing that I could get out of the house and didn’t have to stare at that 100% of the time.

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How I Re-entered The World With My New Normal

As I have said in previous posts, I had just moved to New Orleans to take a new job at a company in the downtown area. I am the type of person who feels that when you start a new job you shouldn’t be taking extended time off unless it was planned when you were hired on. I know this is a totally different situation than taking a vacation or having an elective medical procedure that takes you out of the office,  but I still felt I needed to get back to New Orleans.

So, with a heavy heart, and not wanting to leave my baby boy alone, my husband and I made the decision to fly back to New Orleans on Tuesday, November 17th. Million Dollar Brother, Baby Sis, Casper, my husband, and I were driven to the airport by Our Red Headed Step Child. Baby Sis, Casper, and the Red Headed Step Child  were staying in Dallas. Million Dollar Brother, my husband and I were going our separate ways inside the airport. I gave Baby Sis and Casper hugs, told them I loved them both and that we would be back for Thanksgiving in a couple of weeks.

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The Day We Had To Say Good-Bye

November 14th, the day we had to say good-bye to our beloved Big Bubby, my baby I had grown up with. I remember most of the day as being numb. Maybe that is my mind protecting me from the harsh memories and reality of the setting, I am not sure but I know that there were hundreds of people who showed up to say good-bye to my baby. As you read on, know there will be some tears and some laughter at things that happened throughout the day.

I have never been one to care what I look like and have never liked to be the center of attention. I knew that this day, between Cowgirl and I, we would be the center of attention regarding Big Bubby for the entire day. What I do remember about that day is getting up and and thinking I have to try and look the best I can. The person who has done my families hair since the kids were in junior high, we will call her Hair Queen, had continuously asked what she could do to help. I, being in no mental capacity to answer, said, make sure I look presentable for the visitation and the funeral. So as sweet as she is, she came to the house  on Friday night, fixed my hair and make up, and again on Saturday morning showed up with her little one in tow and did it again. The little things that were done for us like this that people have no idea how much it helped us through, will not be forgotten. Hair Queen’s little girl at the visitation was looking at the flowers around the casket and started picking at them. I thought Hair Queen was going to flip out, I looked at her with tears streaming down my face and said, you know Big Bubby is behind her saying “pick that one” no “pick this one” no, “go over here and grab this one”….that is just the type of humor my boy had. Even in the darkest hours he would find a way to make us smile and laugh.

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How I Made It Through The Worst Week Of My Life

Please bear with this post as it will be a bit longer than most…..

Once day broke, Cowgirl’s step mom brought over a breakfast casserole and there was coffee. Still, I think in a numb stage, the three of us staying at he ranch tried to eat something. There was a lot to do that day, November 11th, Veterans Day. There would be no celebration of all the Veterans who were away from homes serving our country for us that day or remembering those who didn’t make it home. Our Veteran would be laid to rest later that week.

Our day would be filled with funeral preparations for Big Bubby. Cowgirl and I had no idea where to start. We decided the on Tuesday we would look at a few funeral homes in the area and then decide which one to go with. Cowgirl’s dad made a comment that he had used one that was close to the ranch and was pleased with the handling of the process all around. Cowgirl and I were willing to go and visit this one first. It was close to both of us and it came with a good referral.

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