Just when you think that God is giving you a break from memories, pain, loss, etc. Another huge milestone (hit) comes. We learned on 4/19/2016 that our son’s headstone was in. It has been too wet in Dallas to set the stone. Not only that but the same day, we learned that Big Bubby’s best friend, Best Man, and his wife are having a baby. We are so totally excited for Best Man and his wife, but it is bittersweet since Big Bubby won’t be here to enjoy and participate in it. Maybe a good thing because Best Man would be going behind Big Bubby telling the kid not to do what Big Bubby was telling him/her in Big Bubby fashion.
Mothers Day was this past weekend as well. We were in Dallas for Baby Sis’s Senior prom and for Million Dollar Brother’s appearance with the Masked Rider. I wasn’t wanting to do much for Mother’s Day but because both kids were going to be in town, my husband and I decided to make the trip to see them. It was tough to see two of my three children knowing that one would never call to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day again.
People, even my doctor, states that with time it will get easier. I find that very difficult to believe. Almost all parents who have buried their child, young or old, say you never get over it or that it gets easier. It’s an almost everyday happening that something comes up to remind me that I no longer have my son with me here on this earth. People also say, “God only gives you what you can handle”. I am not sure I believe in that anymore either. It is as if each day I wake up in the nightmare that I know will never end. So knowing this will never end, it just puts you in a downward spiral that is difficult to pull yourself out of.
The day came that the headstone was set. It seems we did an amazing job choosing how to put it together and it is beautiful. The problem is that now, its final. No more thoughts like, maybe he is just gone away for a while. Now, there is actually a true marker sitting where my son is at rest. And is he truly at rest? How do we know that Big Bubby is truly at rest? Those who choose to believe in God would say because he is in Heaven. I am trying my best to believe that he is at peace and in the arms of Jesus but to tell you the truth, I just am not able to get there yet.
My family, both my husband’s and mine, have always believed. With one moment in time, my whole faith in what I believed was ripped from me. I struggle daily with God on this and feel this is not going to be an easy battle won.
I have two beautiful children who need me to be their mom again. Luckily, with this loss, the two living are old enough to take care of themselves, are off at college, but they still need their mom. I am not there for them the way I was before 11/10/15.
I don’t know that I will ever be the mom I was before. When Big Bubby died, a piece of me died with him. A piece I will never get back. A piece that is now lost to my two living children who try to understand but won’t ever be able to nor do I ever want them to understand this unbearable pain. I hate that feeling that I can’t give them the mom I was before. It is not their fault this has happened to our family and not their fault I can’t give them what they need, a mom who is happy for them when they accomplish something, a mom that is there when they need to talk, etc.
We are all forever changed by the circumstances of 11/10/2015. None as much as I though. The strength I used to have is now gone, I believe forever. I used to be the one to take care of things. Make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be at. Now, I go to work and I go home. My husband has taken over the role of making sure things get done. I hate that I have after 22 years of doing most of it for him, he is now put in this position and unable to help because I don’t know how to tell him to help me.
In life, you become complacent in where you and your family are at. You assume tomorrow you will wake up and do the whole “rat race” as I call it over again. Be aware of becoming too complacent in where you are. Too happy with what you have achieved. In a single breath, a single instant, you could be in my place wondering how to find normal again.