Life Does Goes On Without Me

Five long months after loosing Big Bubby, we received the news that Million Dollar Brother is now the mascot at the college he attends. This is a bitter sweet day for me because Big Bubby had always wanted to see his little brother get this honor. Only number 55. There are thousands of students on campus and there have only been 55 in the years since the program was started so it is very prestigious to be named it.

It was a proud day for us as a family to watch Million Dollar Brother in the changing of the reins on the campus. Then watch him mount the horse and take lots of photos.

As I stood back and watched as he was showered with people, questions, gifts, etc. I wondered what Big Bubby was doing in heaven that day. I pictured him running to everyone saying that’s my brother! He finally made it! And I am going to miss standing on the field for the OU game!!!!

It was also one of the hardest days since Big Bubby’s birthday. I didn’t think that it would hit me the way it did but seeing Million Dollar Brother named the mascot, proved once again that life does go on after a tragic loss such as ours. Applications filled out, interviews completed, letters of recommendation, riding, driving, and this was all just for the Million Dollar Brother for a few weeks to apply for the position.

I am so proud of our Million Dollar Brother because he has worked so hard for the last three years at this, it is just so horribly sad that Big Bubby, his biggest supporter and fan, won’t be there to cheer him on at the games.

It was a good weekend, the weather was beautiful. It had a chance of rain, should it have rained we wouldn’t have gotten to see Million Dollar Brother ride the horse. So I am so glad that he did get to get the horse out and get some pictures outside. We spent the weekend with Million Dollar Brother, my mother, my husbands sister and brother in law from south Texas and my sister in law from the panhandle. We also, as we always do at family gatherings, had our Red Headed Step Child there.

As I sat at the restaurant eating dinner with everyone, it occurred to me that this weekend shows that life does go on without me. People were talking about what their weeks held, who was staying for the weekend, who was going home to other obligations, etc. I know Big Bubby doesn’t and wouldn’t want me to stay behind in this deep since of depression but it is difficult to feel joy when there is nothing left to give. I have two surviving children who are thriving and accomplishing so much, but I am stuck trying to make sense of something that everyone has made it abundantly clear to me that I will never make sense of it. They also don’t understand, unless they have lost a child, that when that moment comes and a mother finds out she has lost her child, she changes for ever. She is not the woman she was before.

I can tell you from personal experience, I used to be strong (some would say strong willed even). Today, I am a shell of the person I used to be. For example, Million Dollar Brother had a dental appointment that lasted longer than I thought it should, I started to have an anxiety attack because I am 14 hours away from him. What if something bad happened? I can’t go through that again. So in my grief, I try desperately not to be over protective of my two living children as I have never been that way. Since The Accident though, it has become hard not to want to know where they are at every minute. I am good about letting them live their lives and am safe in the knowledge that they will take care of themselves. They have each other together and that is a great comfort to me.