Since Big Bubby passed on 11/10/15, this has been and will be our 4th year of holidays without him. Thanksgiving rapidly came and went without a lot of fan fair. This I take as a win. Wins used to be big things, like a new job with significant income increases, getting the kids to bed on time, etc. Now my wins are hourly, daily, some even monthly. Once you have buried your child, life becomes a game of wins and losses that you keep track of. Wins are those where you stayed together, were able to interact with others for long periods of time, were able to stay out later than your new normal. Losses are those times when you can’t get out of bed and you just cover up for the day and tell yourself to try again tomorrow.
Christmas for us is going to be stretched until Mid January due to kids going all directions to spend time with their other families they have now. We are OK with that. The husband and I will have a quiet Christmas at the house with our beloved pups and watch football (maybe not me but my husband will). We plan to take a trip soon to our weekend home in the panhandle so just need to set a date and hold strong to it. We decided that maybe next year we would decorate for the holiday’s that this year it was still just not a feeling that we wanted to have. So no tree set up, no garland on the mantle, no lights on the house, just a quiet room, a husband and wife with their three fur-babies enjoying the quiet day together. Just saying thank you that the Cowboy’s don’t play on Christmas. 🙂
I wanted to also give an update on my book. I have finished the book now. The entire book is written but needs to be typed up and reviewed. I haven’t been this close to having it done in three years. I am nervous no one will want to read it but I also believe that Big Bubby is pushing me now to finish it up and get it out there for the journey parents behind me are on. The lost feelings, the hopelessness, I am hoping that I can help them and show them my way of coping. Both the good and the bad. I am ensuring the prescription drugs and the alcohol are all included in the book so that those who are in that spot know there is a way to come out of it and are not embarrassed by the use of them but understand the need to stop the use before it goes too far. I am giving my personal information so that if someone ever needs to talk, I am there. Big Bubby would want that for sure. With the book, I am looking to use it as a launching ground for speaking about Big Bubby and our loss at engagements where I might be invited. I want to be the voice for Big Bubby and families that struggle daily with the loss of a loved one. I am also looking into being a Life Coach. Helping others has always been something that I felt drawn to do and think that I could do some good in helping others see the path they have been given.
We are all getting on OK as these years pass. The kids are strong as ever with newlyweds and soon to be weddings happening. Cowgirl seems very happy in her new world and I am grateful for that. No matter how difficult my life will be for the future, I wanted Cowgirl to find her way to love again and I think she has found an awesome family and an awesome guy to make that a reality.
Again, this house of ours is a crazy house we live in. We try to keep our feet firmly planted on the ground, know that God has us even when we don’t want him to, that he is showing us our paths, and that in end family is all you have whether that is by blood or by friendship because I have a lot of both.