I read I Don’t Know How I’m Doing from The Life I Didn’t Choose’s Blog and it hit me that the past weekend began our last set of “firsts” before the accident. Before my baby went home to Jesus.

Boy, I wasn’t ready for that one. Yesterday was Million Dollar Brother’s birthday, the last “first” birthday of the family before the accident.

I knew/know I am close to the day we lost Big Bubby, but looking at it as the last set of firsts before the one year anniversary, every day marks a last. The last time I spoke to him, the last weekend our family was together (except for Cowgirl who was working), the last phone message he left me (I now have saved on my cell phone so I can play it when I really miss his voice), the last “I love you” from him, etc.

All of these things that will hit over the coming days and weeks up to the anniversary date are little things to most people but to a mother who has lost her child are precious memories you don’t want to ever forget. Memories that you will remember where you were, what you were doing at the time, how you were told, etc.

This past weekend was spent with our kids in Lubbock, TX for the OU/Texas Tech game where Million Dollar Brother is the Masked Rider. The game was a crazy, high scoring on both sides, record breaking, game. Tech ended up losing by a touchdown. The weekend went by so fast that we didn’t have time to stop and think about it being the last weekend we were all together last year. That, to me, is both good and bad. We did however, honor Big Bubby by Million Dollar Brother having an OU bottle opener and I had an OU t-shirt that Big Bubby wore all the time with us at the game. So Big Bubby was there with us to cheer on Fearless and the Masked Rider as they rode down the field.

Krissie, Big Bubby’s four legged name sake, who is my emotional support dog and I flew to Dallas and rode to the game with my mother. Krissie, we found out, doesn’t like plane rides yet so we are not going to be flying with her again for a while. I felt so bad for her but it was the only way we were getting home Sunday from the weekend once we got to Texas. I had very good neighbors on the plane coming home Sunday night in the seat next to me and behind me that were dog lovers so they helped try to keep her calm. She was so panicked when we took off and landed that she was panting so much she had my long sleeves soaked in dripping doggie drool. So I think that I was more emotional support for her than she was for me. 🙂

As I think back a year ago to the person I was verses who I am today, it is really surprising the differences there are. Losing a child changes everything about the person you were. As most parents who lose a child will tell you, there is a before and after time period no matter the age the child was lost. You are always comparing before to after on everything. I hate that part of it. I was independent before, now after I have to have a service dog and family around me. I was strong and would take care of family things before, now after my husband has to do it. Before when the kids would call I wouldn’t be scared to answer the phone, after its living the nightmare all over again every time the phone rings when I know they are in vehicles driving.

Learning all of these new things about yourself as a parent of a child gone sometimes can be overwhelming. When you think that you have taken a few steps toward the new “normal” in your life again, something shows you that you aren’t as far along the grief highway as you thought you were.

So to all of us out there coming up on our last “firsts”, hang on tight because like I commented on the post I mentioned above, all we can do is strap in and hold on for the ride.

Hugs to all!