We are closing in on the first anniversary of us losing Big Bubby on that fatal morning. We are planning a celebration of life and friends and family are coming from all over the country to join in. 

I want it to be as happy of a time as it can be. I don’t want to dwell on what we don’t have. How hard is that going to be? For all of us there, we all have been through so much this year without Big Bubby. Life went on without him in it, yet my time stood still. Graduations, birthdays, babies, deaths, college, all of these have happened since Big Bubby has left us. With me feeling as though I am standing on the sidelines watching life pass me by.

I have talked before regarding the lack of involvement I feel I have been in my two living children’s lives since the loss of Big Bubby. I just am not the person I was before. I have read countless blogs, books, posts on Facebook that truly hit on the topic of child loss. You are forever in a before and after. The scary thing for me, my memory. “Before” we lost Big Bubby, I could remember things well. I used to harass my husband because of how bad his memory was. Now, “After” our loss, I am lucky to remember what day it is without looking at my phone. I can’t remember from home to work something I need to write down, groceries are a whole topic in and of themselves, things I need to take care of like paying bills, etc. These things used to come easily for me and now, I have to keep them written down in a book.

It’s weird because I can crisply remember before the accident yet I can’t remember two days ago what I was doing outside of work. Even at work, I now have to write everything down so that I don’t forget something.

Coming close to the anniversary of Big Bubby going Home, frightens me some. How will I handle it, how will my family handle it, how will Big Bubby’s friends and brothers in arms, make it through that day? Two days after we are having the celebration of life for him. I want it to be a great day of great memories being shared. I know tears will fall, but hopefully together as a family we will all take a piece of Big Bubby with us when we go. I am focusing on the celebration to keep myself preoccupied by the dates. I am going in a couple of days early to both gather last minute items and to spend the anniversary with Big Bubby.

To all of us coming close or have just passed an angelversary, may we find strength in numbers and know that we are all here for each other during the toughest moments.