I was going to write about the shooting in Florida and how much it disgusts me to see this happen again. Then I heard that North Texas found out about three separate shooters planning school attacks. I decided to write about how this now effects me when I hear of these horrible acts.First of all, let me put this out there, I am all for arming yourself. This BS of gun control is ridiculous when you come right down to it. The people that are legal gun owners will have to give up their right to bare arms yet the drug pushers, murderers, rapists, etc. will still have full access to the guns they want for their law breaking activities. The only thing gun control will do is allow criminals to be criminals and more innocents will be killed, robbed, raped, kidnapped, etc. (That is all I will say about gun control on this post)

When I first heard about the incident in Florida, my immediate thought was OMG 17 sets of parents are now in a club they had to pay the highest price for. There are 14 more that I hope and pray do not enter our club.

Since losing Big Bubby I have noticed a heightened awareness and sensitivity to these events. The shootings in Las Vegas, finding out that where my kids grew up in the area there were three children arrested yesterday due to plots of shooting their schools up, and the Florida shootings, when I hear of these things it hits home a little harder than it used to. I used to be able to say “not in my area” or “couldn’t happen to us, our schools are on top of what is happening”. After our loss, although not to these type of crimes, the first thing that comes to mind is that a parent has lost a child and I know how that feels. No matter the way, we still all journey the same road of grief.

These parents are in shock right now, a remarkable feeling that gets you through those first few days of loss. They will travel on the road through the fog of the first year, the anger of the loss, and other crazy feelings you would never think you would feel until now.

When we lost Big Bubby, people came from all circles of our lives to help us through that difficult week or so between death and burial. Some of those people have continued to carry us as we traverse this crazy cavern of grief. Let these friends and family help. When they asked me what they could do, I couldn’t come up with anything. Luckily the Hair Queen finally helped make some much needed decisions for me and my nieces showed up to help put the pictures we had chosen on poster board for the visitation and service. If those people wouldn’t have taken those decisions from me, I would have never made them.

I wish there was a way for this to get to those parents who are walking around blindly right now in so much pain of the loss they are now bearing. I would tell them that even in my second year, it is still a rough ride. Keep your family and supportive friends close to you because there will be days that you have to release some of that grief and these are the ones who can handle your pain.

I was a very strong willed person before my loss. Now, still a bit stubborn, things like this week really bring all the suffering I have done to the surface. It makes me relive the day we received the call that Big Bubby was in fact gone from this earth. It again makes me rethink my faith in a God who is supposed to be a kind and loving God but lets the devil in to take the lives of innocent children. I know the parents going through this now think there is no way to move on. Some will lean heavily into their faith (kuddos to them, I couldn’t do it), some will turn away from their faith forever, and some, as I have done, will sit on the fence fighting God with the why’s? what ifs? and the most important question of all, “why was my child taken and not someone else’s?” I know that is horrible to say, but I have to say that it has gone through my mind several times over the past two years.

I believe that seeing these type of events brings me full circle as I always want to help someone who genuinely needs it. I hurt that I can’t just jump in my car and drive down to Florida to help those parents right now. I know they have family and some may have family or friends who have lost children, but I also know there are those that don’t, like my husband and I were.

I pray these parents all have a faith to lean on. I pray that they go to bed knowing they are not alone on their journey. They just need to find those of us who are out here working to rebuild our lives after the loss of our child.


  1. I am sharing this on FB in hopes the family and friends of those grieving today may see it. You have shared and continue to share your experience and I know it is touching peoples live. God Bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sweetie, I apologize I have not responded for such a long time. I have been working for over 30 days straight without a day off. I was out of town for three weeks with only one day home to unpack from Houston and to repack for Utah. By March I will have more time.

    Just wanted to let you know what we are hearing on the news here are the guns were not loaded. It was completely insensitive to decide to do that the day after Florida and thank goodness other students reported it to make sure of no tragedy.

    This should not be a political issue in any way shape or form, but it will become so. It is a tragedy for all the mom’s, dad’s, sister’s, brother’s, and all extended family who are grieving. One interesting thing I learned from my shuttle driver in Utah……

    After Sandy Hook, Utah put into legislation a law that allowed school teachers to take concealed carry classes and register to carry in that state and bring their guns to school. I found that interesting. Gee, if I somehow wanted to go commit violence and kill as many people as possible (which I would NOT), where would I go? Possibly a “gun free zone” where I knew I had no opposition? I found that very forward thinking on the part of Utah. I just bet we do not hear of any school shootings there.

    I simply heard that two weeks ago and now this. Of course we all feel for the families in Florida. Perhaps the detent could be “you will not be unopposed if you choose to bring a gun in here?” Requires some thought before more lives are lost.

    Love ya sweetie. Talk to you in March when I am done with work.



    1. Yes and they said that something went wrong with one of the guns he was using or something but that it could have been a lot worse that it was. Fritch Texas has a huge sign in front of their school that says there may be teachers armed and ready to ensure the safety of their children. I believe that is the only way parents are not going to continue to be in the group none of us asked to join.

      Agree on Utah, haven’t heard of any school issues there not like the rest of the country.

      Love you guys too. Maybe I can come down for a few days and hang out with the kids and come see you guys.


  3. Momma of Big Boy – While I have been in this club for 7 1/2 years now I understand the facts of you being on the fence with God. I understand the questions you ask: “Why my …child….” It’s okay. I see that this brings you much pain. :[ All of us in this club have different questions to be answered and different lessons to learn. My struggle and prayer was: “Please don’t let my son’s death be in vein.” It took 2 1/2 years for that prayer to be answered.

    When I heard about this Florida shooting my heart broke for those now hurting more than they have ever hurt before. You are sssssooooo right about the hate that we learn after becoming a member of this club. I remember saying alound, “I thought I knew hate, but now … well, I am learning a new level of hate that I did not know I could ever feel.”

    I wonder if Florida parents and family members will have the support of others – these new members to our club. I pray these new members don’t loose their way and follow their child Home before their time.

    And Momma of Big Boy, thank you for denoting it is not a gun problem.

    Ethan’s mum

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s