I was going to write about the shooting in Florida and how much it disgusts me to see this happen again. Then I heard that North Texas found out about three separate shooters planning school attacks. I decided to write about how this now effects me when I hear of these horrible acts.First of all, let me put this out there, I am all for arming yourself. This BS of gun control is ridiculous when you come right down to it. The people that are legal gun owners will have to give up their right to bare arms yet the drug pushers, murderers, rapists, etc. will still have full access to the guns they want for their law breaking activities. The only thing gun control will do is allow criminals to be criminals and more innocents will be killed, robbed, raped, kidnapped, etc. (That is all I will say about gun control on this post)
When I first heard about the incident in Florida, my immediate thought was OMG 17 sets of parents are now in a club they had to pay the highest price for. There are 14 more that I hope and pray do not enter our club.
Since losing Big Bubby I have noticed a heightened awareness and sensitivity to these events. The shootings in Las Vegas, finding out that where my kids grew up in the area there were three children arrested yesterday due to plots of shooting their schools up, and the Florida shootings, when I hear of these things it hits home a little harder than it used to. I used to be able to say “not in my area” or “couldn’t happen to us, our schools are on top of what is happening”. After our loss, although not to these type of crimes, the first thing that comes to mind is that a parent has lost a child and I know how that feels. No matter the way, we still all journey the same road of grief.
These parents are in shock right now, a remarkable feeling that gets you through those first few days of loss. They will travel on the road through the fog of the first year, the anger of the loss, and other crazy feelings you would never think you would feel until now.
When we lost Big Bubby, people came from all circles of our lives to help us through that difficult week or so between death and burial. Some of those people have continued to carry us as we traverse this crazy cavern of grief. Let these friends and family help. When they asked me what they could do, I couldn’t come up with anything. Luckily the Hair Queen finally helped make some much needed decisions for me and my nieces showed up to help put the pictures we had chosen on poster board for the visitation and service. If those people wouldn’t have taken those decisions from me, I would have never made them.
I wish there was a way for this to get to those parents who are walking around blindly right now in so much pain of the loss they are now bearing. I would tell them that even in my second year, it is still a rough ride. Keep your family and supportive friends close to you because there will be days that you have to release some of that grief and these are the ones who can handle your pain.
I was a very strong willed person before my loss. Now, still a bit stubborn, things like this week really bring all the suffering I have done to the surface. It makes me relive the day we received the call that Big Bubby was in fact gone from this earth. It again makes me rethink my faith in a God who is supposed to be a kind and loving God but lets the devil in to take the lives of innocent children. I know the parents going through this now think there is no way to move on. Some will lean heavily into their faith (kuddos to them, I couldn’t do it), some will turn away from their faith forever, and some, as I have done, will sit on the fence fighting God with the why’s? what ifs? and the most important question of all, “why was my child taken and not someone else’s?” I know that is horrible to say, but I have to say that it has gone through my mind several times over the past two years.
I believe that seeing these type of events brings me full circle as I always want to help someone who genuinely needs it. I hurt that I can’t just jump in my car and drive down to Florida to help those parents right now. I know they have family and some may have family or friends who have lost children, but I also know there are those that don’t, like my husband and I were.
I pray these parents all have a faith to lean on. I pray that they go to bed knowing they are not alone on their journey. They just need to find those of us who are out here working to rebuild our lives after the loss of our child.