Cling? Cling to what? Life, love, family, friends?
Over the past 14 months I have clung to a lot of things including all of the above. When I think of the word Cling, used to, I would shy away from it. I am not a touchy feely kind of person, ask anyone who knows me. I also wasn’t one that needed anyone to help me with anything. I did’t like asking for help at all (no comments from any of the peanut gallery out there who know me personally).
After losing Big Bubby, clinging is about all I could do for months afterwards. I clung to my husband for emotional support, for support just to get out of bed and go to work, my kids, my family and friends. I clung to those that chose to stay and wrap their arms around us and become our family with us going through a horrible time in our lives.
Now, 14 months into our journey, I am choosing to “cling” to life: the lives of my two living kids, Baby Sis and Million Dollar Brother, my husband who has been my life preserver in the middle of an ocean of grief . My family and friends who are in the here and now. I still sit and think, what would it be like if Big Bubby were still here (this is where I am still clinging on to the past, and always will no matter of the here and now), but I do that alone. I do that with Krissie, his name sake. Her and I talk to Big Bubby a lot because of how our crazy family life is right now. Our family is split in three different towns for work and school. Sometimes she looks at me like I am crazy, but I know that Big Bubby hears me and knows that she is my support system (even though on new years, I was hers. She hates fireworks).
I have a friend who tells me that when she talks to me on the phone, when I talk about Krissie she can almost see my face light up and that I am totally different than when we are just talking about family stuff. Krissie has been a savior in the dark places I have been over the last 14 months. I clung to her hard when we first got her. She kept my mind from wandering to places it shouldn’t and she kept me very busy.
I am learning that the system of support, even though it may be hundreds or thousands of miles away, is always there to cling to. I smile more now than I did a year ago, I still have a lot of stress and anxiety to deal with, but grieving has a way of playing funny games with you. You start to let go of something you have held on to for support thinking its time, then you are gut punched and grab (cling) onto the object as if it is your life preserver in the middle of the ocean.
So for today, now, I am somewhat at peace with myself and trying to give myself room to grieve but also be present in the here and now . God and I are finding our way back to each other. I am doing a bible study, writing bible verses daily, and learning to pray better than I have in the past. Krissie and I have been to church together and it is a blessing that my church here in Louisiana allows me to bring her with me, I am not sure that I could go alone.
For those who are just starting this journey, know that there are waves that will take you under that you pray you come up from some days. Then there are days, like today for me, they are small waves that I can catch my breath in between them.