As I started this new year, I promised myself that I was going to be more proactive about a lot of things. Included below are a handful of what I promised myself:
- a budget for my family that we are going to stick to
- writing/reading the scripture every day (I have a plan to follow to keep me on track)
- working through a wonderful bible study that Kathleen Duncan and her husband have put together regarding Grief
- Seeing the joy in my life not just my loss
- Live in the today, not in what could have been
These are just a few of the things on my list of reminders (I refuse to use the word resolution because I never accomplish those and I am determined to accomplish these).
One thing I read in one of the bloggers I follow, is she said her family “lost” her when she lost her child. That hit home with me and I immediately sent a text to my two living children and asked pointedly, “do you feel like you lost me when Big Bubby passed away”? Was I ever not ready for the response that I received. I asked for it, and wanted it, but it hurt to hear my kids say they did feel like I have not participated in their accomplishments over the last year, but more talked about what their brother missed. I was so focused on what he was missing out on that I wasn’t celebrating what they were accomplishing. I am glad that Baby Sis had the courage to tell me that. It was hard to hear, but it gave me a perspective I had not had before.
My two beautiful living children are thriving in school, have relationships that are good solid relationships, and most of all, they are both happy. Before my discussion through text with Baby Sis, I hadn’t focused on that and I should have been. This doesn’t mean that every day I think of what is missing in my life, Big Bubby, but it does help put me in the right mind to think of the blessings I still have and can still touch and feel. I told Baby Sis I was afraid that Big Bubby would be lost/forgotten if I didn’t keep him alive somehow within all our family accomplishments. She assured me that would not happen. I now know that there are ways to do that which won’t overcast the accomplishment of my two living children.
Quietly have a picture in the corner with a candle lit for him while we celebrate the next step in our kids lives for one, but there are all sorts of ways to keep him close to us without ever forgetting and focusing on them rather than Big Bubby.
So without making a resolution, more of a promise to my two living children, I will work to be more in the present than staying in the past. Some days will be harder than others but you know how strong I am and we will come out better the other side of this journey we are all on together, including the Red Headed Step Child and Princess Dapper.