Faith in God, what does that word mean to you? Do you have faith in a higher power? Do you pray daily? The very definition of Faith is to believe in a higher power that no one in today’s times has seen physically. Faith is a word that tells others that you believe that someday your savior is coming for you whatever savior you may believe in.

Until 11/10/2015, I had a strong faith in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. I believed that one day I would meet him face to face. After 11/10/2015, I have struggled with the whys? The “what if Big Bubby would have been 5 minutes later or earlier”? Where was God that morning to protect my baby? Why didn’t God Shield my son from that bus that morning?

I have to admit, I learned that day, my faith that I have always said was strong, shattered into a million pieces. They are still shattered on the ground. I have tried at times to start the process of picking them up, but something triggers me and I get mad all over again and drop what has been picked up.

My husband and I found a small church here in New Orleans that we are comfortable going to. He wants to go regularly and I understand that. I just feel that right now, my faith or lack of faith, I don’t want to go with him. I know that I should be supportive of him wanting that connection to the church. I just don’t have that right now and  feel somewhat like a hypocrite when I walk through the doors of the church.

I have never been good about reading the bible and praying regularly. So am I being punished for that? But I have always believed that I would one day be with God and family that had passed before me. As I travel this road called grief, I feel myself starting to question God, question my faith, question whether or not there is a place we go when we leave this earthly body. I have to admit that this is a hard blog to write because my family will read this and know truly my feelings regarding my faith.

Hearing people tell me my son is in a better place, or its Gods plan, I am praying  for you, or other well meaning typical comments you hear when someone dies because most people don’t know what to say especially when it is a child loss, almost makes me want to shout back at them and ask them if they would feel that way if they were standing at the grave of their child. Could they truly believe in their heart of hearts that it was God’s plan that day to take their child from them. My guess, no one would be able to answer me, because the answer would be no.

I know there are people that do have very strong faith in their higher being and can lean on that in times of need such as the loss of a child. I am guessing my faith in my God wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. Finding my way back is going to be a long and hard battle to see the good in any of this “new” life of mine. I am willing to give it my best, I am willing to listen to those that have been down this path before me and made it out the other side, but I am not sure when I come out the other side, I will have the faith I had before 11/10/15.