I don’t typically post a blog back to back but the realization that today is the exact six month anniversary to the day. At around 9 AM, on November 10th I received the worst call a parent could ever receive. My Cowgirl was on her way to the Dallas Medical Examiners office. The answer would forever change the lives of so many people that Big Bubby loved and cared about. The answer would throw Cowgirl and I into a deep abyss of unanswered questions and planning a funeral no one ever expected to have to be in a position to do.
Then, my husband and I were in a numb state of shock for the rest of the day. We were on a plane by noon headed back to Dallas to begin the horrible process of arrangements, notifications, talking with people (when all I wanted to do was ball up in a fetal position and die too), making sure Cowgirl was getting what she needed, etc. You are surrounded by people asking constantly how they can help, what do we need, and how are you doing. At the moment in time this is all happening, you are numb. You don’t want to face the reality that your son is never coming home again. You take deep breaths hoping that the ache in your chest will somehow disappear but it never goes away (at least not yet it hasn’t).
In earlier posts I have mentioned how amazing it was to see the people come from all over to support us during our time of need. But life goes on and friends and family go on with their lives leaving those that have lost someone behind. Not because they mean to, it is just the way life is. You are left to pick up the pieces of your broken world and try as you might put them back together again. They will never go back together again perfectly like they were before because, like old puzzles, pieces are missing and will never be found.
It is amazing how the world moves on without the loved one you had in your life. I set everyday in my office and see people living their lives. Getting married, having babies, moving, knowing that my son will never do those things again.
It seems as though every corner I turn, there is a new reminder of the loss I am enduring. Before losing Big Bubby, I had high ambitions in my career. Today, I can say that I am happy with where I am for now. Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me in all of this, be content with what you have.
I am reading another bloggers book right now. Kathleen B Duncan. She lost her son to a tragic car accident in Texas as well. She leans on her faith way more than I am able to do at this moment. From the very beginning of her journey, she leaned heavily on her faith. This is not to say that there were days she questioned it but throughout the book (which I am about half way through) she shows how she finds scripture to lean on.
I wish I could be that strong in my faith. Struggling is an understatement on where I am with God. Knowing I will never get the answers I ask, but I continue to scream inside to God why?
This week will be a hard week to get through. Everyday I know exactly where I was six months ago. A reminder that Big Bubby will never be coming home again.
© Stacie Snider All Rights Reserved
Shattered Dreams and Shattered Faith 
My heart is with you.
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The thing about our faith is that one minute we can lean hard into it and tell our hearts that everything we believe is true and the next we can be screaming, “Why?” and feeling like we have been a fool to even believe as long as we have. I’ve written before that wrestling is not unbelief, wrestling is the work of true faith. I pray that as you continue to bring God your questions and the broken pieces of your shattered heart, He will speak to you in ways that help you on this awful journey. It is not easy and it is not smooth.
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Me too, I am so new into this that I am just struggling to find my way each day.
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Sasnider, I discovered your blog because you became a follower of mine – Boxx Banter. Thank you for that. I think we can be of help to each other.
I lost two daughters in a car accident. I just cringed when I read that your son survived his accident only to be hit by the DART vehicle afterwards. I hate that !!!!! No way is a good way to lose your child but to survive only to be killed afterward is uniquely awful, in my opinion.
I also struggle with my faith. Mostly to realign it with things I’ve obviously misunderstood or misinterpreted somewhere along the line. This is my biggest battle in recovery – reconciling my relationship with Christ because while I have not lost my faith there is no doubt that my relationship with the Lord has been damaged. I’ve lost trust – not because Christ is untrustworthy but because His thoughts, His ways are too high for me – beyond my ability to comprehend. His goals are different than mine, I’ve concluded. My ultimate goal is personal happiness, I’ve come to realize. His goal is the salvation of every individual He’s ever created. That makes sense since everyone is more invested in the work of their own hands. We are all the work of His hands. My family – the investment I’ve made in my children – is the work of my hands.
I made peace with the why question when I realized that God could never give me an answer I would feel justified the deaths of my children. I’m human. He’s holy. My humanity will never be satisfied this side of heaven.
I wanted to share this verse with you that I only recently became aware of. Another bereaved parent at a support group meeting shared the verse and it has given me some consolation. I hope it will help you reconcile this God of love with the God who did not protect your son from death the 10th of November 2015. It’s given me a different perception of God even if I still don’t like the end result. It’s from Isaiah 57:1 in the New Living Translation which I think is the translation that made it most clear.
“Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come.”
“God is protecting them from the evil to come.” That aligns well with the character of the God I’ve known, read and been taught about. I hope it helps you in your quest to understand God and why He might behave in ways we don’t expect.
God bless you and your family during this difficult holiday season.
Janet
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