I don’t typically post a blog back to back but the realization that today is the exact six month anniversary to the day. At around 9 AM, on November 10th I received the worst call a parent could ever receive. My Cowgirl was on her way to the Dallas Medical Examiners office. The answer would forever change the lives of so many people that Big Bubby loved and cared about. The answer would throw Cowgirl and I into a deep abyss of unanswered questions and planning a funeral no one ever expected to have to be in a position to do.
Then, my husband and I were in a numb state of shock for the rest of the day. We were on a plane by noon headed back to Dallas to begin the horrible process of arrangements, notifications, talking with people (when all I wanted to do was ball up in a fetal position and die too), making sure Cowgirl was getting what she needed, etc. You are surrounded by people asking constantly how they can help, what do we need, and how are you doing. At the moment in time this is all happening, you are numb. You don’t want to face the reality that your son is never coming home again. You take deep breaths hoping that the ache in your chest will somehow disappear but it never goes away (at least not yet it hasn’t).
In earlier posts I have mentioned how amazing it was to see the people come from all over to support us during our time of need. But life goes on and friends and family go on with their lives leaving those that have lost someone behind. Not because they mean to, it is just the way life is. You are left to pick up the pieces of your broken world and try as you might put them back together again. They will never go back together again perfectly like they were before because, like old puzzles, pieces are missing and will never be found.
It is amazing how the world moves on without the loved one you had in your life. I set everyday in my office and see people living their lives. Getting married, having babies, moving, knowing that my son will never do those things again.
It seems as though every corner I turn, there is a new reminder of the loss I am enduring. Before losing Big Bubby, I had high ambitions in my career. Today, I can say that I am happy with where I am for now. Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me in all of this, be content with what you have.
I am reading another bloggers book right now. Kathleen B Duncan. She lost her son to a tragic car accident in Texas as well. She leans on her faith way more than I am able to do at this moment. From the very beginning of her journey, she leaned heavily on her faith. This is not to say that there were days she questioned it but throughout the book (which I am about half way through) she shows how she finds scripture to lean on.
I wish I could be that strong in my faith. Struggling is an understatement on where I am with God. Knowing I will never get the answers I ask, but I continue to scream inside to God why?
This week will be a hard week to get through. Everyday I know exactly where I was six months ago. A reminder that Big Bubby will never be coming home again.