Big Bubby has been gone nine months now. The 10th came and went with little pomp en circumstance. I am not sure how I feel about that. Am I already forgetting what happened and when? Am I losing touch with my baby because he is no longer on this earth? I feel like I let him down not acknowledging the day we lost him nine months ago.
I have had a lot going on since the beginning of August that has taken most of my time and all of my energy from me. Again, I will explain when I can. Right now, I am not at liberty to discuss it. My focus has not been where it should be during these past 17 days.
I am angry that someone who knows nothing about my situation took my focus off my loss and the anniversary of Big Bubby’s death. I don’t want to ever forget the last day my baby was on earth. To me the 10th of every month should have some significance in my life where I stop and remember Big Bubby, if only for a moment I need to remember how precious he is to me. I wasn’t allowed to do that this month and I am heartbroken that I allowed a third party to cause me to “forget” about my baby that way.
Used to being a strong person, not allowing others to help me, this road I am on now has challenged me in so many ways. It is hard for me to accept help where needed. I always tell my family and friends I am OK and handling the loss of Big Bubby the best I can. I am learning that I can’t handle this all on my own. Especially when things just start to pile on top of each other. My husband has been a huge help but he still can’t help with everything just because I won’t allow him in.
When unforeseen things happen during your grief recovery, the progress you think you have made seems to fade away. It puts you back in a place of despair where you don’t want to go on. I know the only reason why I haven’t fallen apart at this point is because I have so many people depending on me. Otherwise, I would be lost in my own desperate abyss not wanting to come out. If I fall apart now, there is no turning back from it. I know if I sit long enough, the world around me will crumble to a pile of rubble that I will not have the energy or will to rebuild. So I continue to push on, hoping someday I will stumble and not fall like I am today.
When weeks like these come along, and they have come all too often lately, I just want my baby back in my arms again. The void of not having Big Bubby to talk to and have him give me hell over things happening, crushes me. He would be the first to call and harass me and my husband. Those calls won’t come now which makes getting through weeks like these that much harder and compounds the anxiety and stress I feel.
Big Bubby, I promise not to let others distract me going forward on your monthly angelversary. I will be thinking of you always. Love you forever and always my sweet boy.