Day 8: Reinvent the Letter Format

The writing today is supposed to be about going back and writing letters the way we did before we had computers and email. The topics to choose from are:

Well we all know which one this mom is going to take to write about. This might get to mushy for some of you, there might be tears as well, so you are free to move on for the day. 🙂 This might be a long one too.

First off let me start by saying that when Big Bubby passed away, I made sure that everyone was able to, if they wanted, put something in the casket before it was sealed from them personally. I made sure friends, family, wife, sister, brother, dad, etc all got to put something in. Well I forgot one person….me. So this letter will be to him even though it can’t go into the resting place with him.

My Dear Baby Boy,

As I sit here today, almost eight months into this horrible journey, there are things that I wish I had done during the week of preparing for your funeral. One is writing you this letter. Even though I know you knew how much I loved you and that I would have given anything to take your place that morning, I still wish I would have taken the time to sit down and write to you that week.

So, now, the world will see what I should have put privately in a letter to go forever with you to your resting place.

From the time you were born to the time you left this earth, you were always the light of my life. Million Dollar Brother and Baby Sis too, but you and I had a special bond as we literally grew up together. You were born when I was 18 and single. My friends helped me through the first few weeks of your life to keep me from having to drop out of a semester of college. We met dad when you were very young so you have only known him as a father/dad/best friend your entire life.

I always raised you kids to live life with no regrets. Don’t look back and say, “I wish I had”, or “Why didn’t I do X”. For raising you all, I feel I can do that. Everyday, I talked to you all I told you I loved you. Even if you were miles away in a military zone fighting for my freedom, I always made it a point to end our conversation with I Love You and see you later.

I always thought if I was going to lose you, it would be while you were overseas in theater. Not driving to work one morning. Sometimes I get really angry with God because of that. I could have dealt a lot better with you leaving me fighting for this country than the way you did.

I miss your beautiful smile, your full of life attitude that you would push on everyone else, you willingness to be there when someone needed you no matter what that meant, and most of all just you giving me a hug and the slobbery kisses you would have to put on my forehead when you came through the door.

In one instant my life changed forever. I am no longer the mom I was eight months ago. I am not that strong willed, I can take care of myself mom, I am a shell of that person. Oh, I get up and go to work, do my job, take care of the family, etc., but it is done in a different way now.

So many people want to help, have offered to listen and help (by the way to those who have thank you from the bottom of my heart), but I don’t know what I need help with. I am trying to find a way to not be mad at God which is really having an impact on me. No one can help with that but me and God. So we are fighting that out right now as I am sure you already know. 🙂

I hope you have found family and friends who have gone before you and are having the best time in Heaven. I hope you have found PaPa and have gone fishing a few times.

Please keep watch over your Cowgirl, Baby Sis, and Million Dollar Brother, they miss you dearly too. Along with dad and I who wish we could turn back the clock and make all this just be one huge nightmare that everyone wakes up from.

Love you forever and always and until we meet again,

Love mom

Cheyenne Soccer Party and Char BDay 015
Big Bubby at a party for Baby Sis – So Happy for me to make him take this. 🙂

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