I mean this in the most sincere of ways. Until a parent loses a child, you don’t realize the emotional and physical toll it takes on you. Just physically getting out of bed every day is a challenge in and of itself. Making yourself get up and go to work just so you have income coming in to be able to pay your bills that you no longer care if they get paid or not.

I mean no disrespect to my husband but at the time of our son’s death I was the sole income to our family because he had just moved to New Orleans and was waiting to hear from his union on work. Blessing or curse, you can look at it from both sides, at least I was forced to get up every morning and go to work. My husband had to set at our apartment and stare at the boots, hard hat, belt and gloves my son was wearing when he was killed. Day after day, he would see this tribute we have set in our living room because I won’t let him take it down (which I don’t think he wants to anyway). So at least I could look at my work as a blessing that I could get out of the house and didn’t have to stare at that 100% of the time.

Continue reading “Will The Thank You Notes Ever End?” →

Please bear with this post as it will be a bit longer than most…..

Once day broke, Cowgirl’s step mom brought over a breakfast casserole and there was coffee. Still, I think in a numb stage, the three of us staying at he ranch tried to eat something. There was a lot to do that day, November 11th, Veterans Day. There would be no celebration of all the Veterans who were away from homes serving our country for us that day or remembering those who didn’t make it home. Our Veteran would be laid to rest later that week.

Our day would be filled with funeral preparations for Big Bubby. Cowgirl and I had no idea where to start. We decided the on Tuesday we would look at a few funeral homes in the area and then decide which one to go with. Cowgirl’s dad made a comment that he had used one that was close to the ranch and was pleased with the handling of the process all around. Cowgirl and I were willing to go and visit this one first. It was close to both of us and it came with a good referral.

Continue reading “How I Made It Through The Worst Week Of My Life” →

Before I get too far into my journey with you here on this blog, I need to explain our family a bit more. My husband and I have always been very open and honest with our children about everything from our oldest being my husbands step son to the realities of life and death. I also want to say that I know there are millions of blogs, websites, books, etc on grief so I know this blog isn’t especially different than others out there. If it can help me through this time in my life that’s a plus, if it helps others along the way then its a bonus for me to have helped someone who needed reassurance they aren’t walking this path alone, both in losing a child this way and losing the faith thought to be there since you were born.

Big Bubby as he will be known here, chose to join the Army when he graduated from high school as he was not the college type. Coming from a military family, my husband and I were very proud of him for his decision to join  the military. We hoped it would help him grow up a bit and let him see some of the world that I have never seen. So, graduation came and my baby boy left for boot camp and came back a soldier. He was deployed to Afghanistan for a year of his term in the Army. Before he left we discussed what would happen if something should happen to him, we made me power of attorney and he completed a  will in the event he didn’t come home. I tell you this  because of two reasons; 1) everyone should  have a will and life insurance both for you and your children and  2) someone in your family should know your wishes should something happen to you. The other reason for telling you this is because on November 6th my husband and I sat at a restaurant and discussed getting the call no parent ever wants to get. We were now 8 and 14 hours from our kids and that call would be paralyzing to receive so far from where they were. My initial reaction to the call we received five days later is that it was our fault for discussing it out loud (yes, I know that was a crazy thought but so I thought it).

Continue reading “When Reality Started To Set In” →

November 10, 2015, just another day in my life. It was a Tuesday morning and my husband had just moved to New Orleans two weeks prior to live with me from Dallas where we had lived for 17 years with our children. We have a 25-year-old, Big Bubby, 21-year-old, Million Dollar Brother, and 17-year-old Baby Sis.

It was early, sometime around 7AM, and my husband’s phone either beeped with a text or actually he received a call. I can’t remember at this point. It was our oldest boys best friend asking if we had heard from him that morning, my son’s Foreman was looking for him because he hadn’t shown up for work. His Foreman had seen an accident on the way in with a truck that looked like our son’s but it didn’t look like a bad wreck so he didn’t stop.

That was unusual for our son because living in Dallas, he worked in the Sprinkler Fitters Union, and would work at different job sites around Dallas and Fort Worth. He drove a lifted truck with ranch hand bumpers on the front and the back, his baby as he called it. He would leave from his home on the north side of Dallas to get to work early to get a good place to park then sleep until it was time to go to work. We all started calling his cell phone trying to get a hold of him. I was slightly frustrated with him because I know him (lived with him 20 something years) and know that he can sleep hard and not hear things but for him to miss being at work, that bothered me.

Continue reading “The Day My World Stood Still” →