in Grief Journey 570 Words

Nine Months – Come and Gone

Big Bubby has been gone nine months now. The 10th came and went with little pomp en circumstance. I am not sure how I feel about that. Am I already forgetting what happened and when? Am I losing touch with my baby because he is no longer on this earth? I feel like I let him down not acknowledging the day we lost him nine months ago.

I have had a lot going on since the beginning of August that has taken most of my time and all of my energy from me. Again, I will explain when I can. Right now, I am not at liberty to discuss it. My focus has not been where it should be during these past 17 days.

I am angry that someone who knows nothing about my situation took my focus off my loss and the anniversary of Big Bubby’s death. I don’t want to ever forget the last day my baby was on earth. To me the 10th of every month should have some significance in my life where I stop and remember Big Bubby, if only for a moment I need to remember how precious he is to me. I wasn’t allowed to do that this month and I am heartbroken that I allowed a third party to cause me to “forget” about my baby that way.

Used to being a strong person, not allowing others to help me, this road I am on now has challenged me in so many ways. It is hard for me to accept help where needed. I always tell my family and friends I am OK and handling the loss of Big Bubby the best I can. I am learning that I can’t handle this all on my own. Especially when things just start to pile on top of each other. My husband has been a huge help but he still can’t help with everything just because I won’t allow him in.

When unforeseen things happen during your grief recovery, the progress you think you have made seems to fade away. It puts you back in a place of despair where you don’t want to go on. I know the only reason why I haven’t fallen apart at this point is because I have so many people depending on me. Otherwise, I would be lost in my own desperate abyss not wanting to come out. If I fall apart now, there is no turning back from it. I know if I sit long enough, the world around me will crumble to a pile of rubble that I will not have the energy or will to rebuild. So I continue to push on, hoping someday I will stumble and not fall like I am today.

When weeks like these come along, and they have come all too often lately, I just want my baby back in my arms again. The void of not having Big Bubby to talk to and have him give me hell over things happening, crushes me. He would be the first to call and harass me and my husband. Those calls won’t come now which makes getting through weeks like these that much harder and compounds the anxiety and stress I feel.

Big Bubby, I promise not to let others distract me going forward on your monthly angelversary. I will be thinking of you always. Love you forever and always my sweet boy.

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11 thoughts on “Nine Months – Come and Gone”

  1. There is so much we don’t have control over in this journey. Setting boundaries around what and who I allow to drain my limited mental, physical, emotional and spiritual energy had been key to helping me keep going. I pray that as you recognize these ” life sucking forces” you’ll be able to keep them at army’s length. It’s hard but necessary.

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    1. I’m learning day by day. Unfortunately I’m a type A personality and it’s hard for me to accept help or let others be a block for me. Thanks for always reading my posts and giving me great advice. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

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      1. I used to be Type A but chronic disease knocked most of that out of me even before I buried my son. My heart would love to still be in control but I’ve learned by excruiciatingly painful experience that I’m not. So now (at 52!) I’m trying to learn to accept lack of control. I’ll say this: when I can do it (which is absolutely not every day or even every hour) I am much more at ease. Maybe i’m just giving up and it’s not really anything noble or wise. Praying that you will find a way through this hard, hard stuff that is in addition to missing your precious son.

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  2. Allowing others to help you heal can only serve to keep Big Bubby’s memory alive. When they feel the love you have for him, they love him too. Give yourself time and permission to receive solace and support from others. Your writing is a terrific therapy as well. Thank you for sharing your love with us. Prayers and peaceful thoughts are coming your way. 🙂

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  3. The 10th will always hold sadness for us. Sometimes life gets in the way but we will never ever forget our sweet boy. Always a song or a certain phrase or a picture will bring it all crushing back. Baseball season is hard for me because he was a great player and I went to so many games to cheer him on. I pray every day for God to bring comfort and peace. Maybe someday, maybe not.

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  4. The loss of our children is such a shock to our system. It knocks us down, but because you are here, writing and reading about how to make it through this mess called life – a life that is leading us down a path we had not ever intended to travel – you are getting the help, in small amounts. You are getting the help in the way you can allow it. Realities of life correct us Type A folks.

    Stop beating yourself up for “missing the 10th”!

    As long as you remember your beauty, you speak his name you have not forgotten.

    PPSssttt – it might have been that other person’s “helpful goal” to not have you focused solely on your loss this Aug. 10th.

    Keep you chin up!
    Lovingly,

    Kathleen
    A mum in similar shoes.

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  5. Buck up my fiend and nanna. It is certainly OK to take a day to cry and feel bad. Wallow in it. Then move on as best you can. Remember the moment when the heavens opened and sunlight came down when we were at his grave earlier this year for his birthday? Remember the beautiful song you played? Try to remember the good moments. It unfortunately will not get better for you till next year or the next year. Every single day is going to be hard this year.

    Bubba is sending you messages every day. You just need to open yourself to hear them. Krisse is trying to help pass those messages on.

    We love you guys. Take care. I know Bubby is sending you those messages, just open your heart to hear them.

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